Little Did I Know

“It hurts knowing you tried doing your best and it still wasn’t good enough.” -Unknown

Little did I know I would be writing this post on a rainy Saturday night when my house is a wreck, my body is weak, and my world is a mess. Little did I know that people that were once the closest to me are now strangers. I feel like I’m unwanted. Simply an inconvenience. In my job, my family, my whole life. Its like I’m in such a desolate place in my life, wandering aimlessly through while trying to convince myself that I know what I’m doing and where I’m going. I don’t. I have no clue what my life holds or where it is going to take me. I pray it is far from here. I pray that I finally can be rid of the people that bring me down and make me lose my damn mind. Inconvenience. That’s all I am to some. To most actually. Only wanted when I’m needed for something to benefit someone else, and never actually needed because they love me or want me. Little did I know my life would end up to where my family hates when my name rolls off their tongues. Literal poison on their lips that burns like fire from their hatred of me. When you find out what you truly mean to some, to everyone, you begin to have to define your own self-worth, which at this point, is not much coming from a person that can barely look at their own reflection without having the urge to purge from the failure that everyone feels they’ve become, and it hurts. And I cry. And I wonder where I went wrong. And I’ll never understand why my life became this mess, but I know it has to end because there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel isn’t there? Little did I know though, that I would have to do this almost completely on my own.