Little Did I Know

“It hurts knowing you tried doing your best and it still wasn’t good enough.” -Unknown

Little did I know I would be writing this post on a rainy Saturday night when my house is a wreck, my body is weak, and my world is a mess. Little did I know that people that were once the closest to me are now strangers. I feel like I’m unwanted. Simply an inconvenience. In my job, my family, my whole life. Its like I’m in such a desolate place in my life, wandering aimlessly through while trying to convince myself that I know what I’m doing and where I’m going. I don’t. I have no clue what my life holds or where it is going to take me. I pray it is far from here. I pray that I finally can be rid of the people that bring me down and make me lose my damn mind. Inconvenience. That’s all I am to some. To most actually. Only wanted when I’m needed for something to benefit someone else, and never actually needed because they love me or want me. Little did I know my life would end up to where my family hates when my name rolls off their tongues. Literal poison on their lips that burns like fire from their hatred of me. When you find out what you truly mean to some, to everyone, you begin to have to define your own self-worth, which at this point, is not much coming from a person that can barely look at their own reflection without having the urge to purge from the failure that everyone feels they’ve become, and it hurts. And I cry. And I wonder where I went wrong. And I’ll never understand why my life became this mess, but I know it has to end because there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel isn’t there? Little did I know though, that I would have to do this almost completely on my own.

I Am Ready

Wow. What can I say? I am 3 weeks away from marrying the love of my life and I’m a puddle of nostalgic, mixed emotions for the whole ordeal. Although I am certainly ready to move onto this new chapter in my life, it seems time is flying by in my last days of living in the home I have known for over a decade now. My last days of coming home to my brother and sister and parents. Change has been my enemy as well as my friend in my life. I shall call it nothing in this circumstance because even as much as I will benefit from this emotional change, it will be hard to leave what I’ve known for so long. I will, on the other hand, be thankful for what I will now be coming home to. Now when I walk through the door of my new home, I will be met with a new kind of love. The love of a husband who loves me more than I could ever imagine. Although it will be different than 4 other people in my home every day, he can give me the love of a thousand people in one arm around my waist and a kiss on my cheek….. I am three weeks away, and I am ready for this.

The Beauty of Broken Pieces

Anais Nin said, “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” I’ve know these words to be true, but never truer than now. Love is like water to the soul. How does one replenish what is lost? I’ve asked myself this question for days now. Following a recently tragic separation in the marriage of a couple whom I have looked to with great admiration, I have prayed to God that the day I become married, we honor that vow until our death. I have come to know that people are blind. Some with envy, lust, greed, or just simply life. Some throw in the towel because things get tough or because they’re bored. What makes us think that we have the right to tarnish that sacred vow of marriage, to love each other through hell and high water, just because we’re bored? These people have shown me what a beautiful thing marriage is for the past 15 years. People don’t realize that it isn’t just their family they hurt. It’s also the ones that consider them family that hurt too. It’s like dropping a perfect piece of glass and watching it shatter. Those pieces can eventually be swept up, but will never fit perfectly together again. But although they won’t be perfect, they will be enough. The beauty of broken pieces is that they can be put back together, and although they’re never going to be what they were, they will be enough to withstand. They will overcome.

The Beauty of Change

Everyone gets older. I’m getting older every day. It is difficult to look back at my life and not feel nostalgic or wish I could return there even just for a little while. Most of my childhood was grand. No worrying about life. No worrying about bills or fixing a supremely awful car. Just being a kid. But, growing up hasn’t been all that bad. Growing up gives you the freedom to make decisions and become the person God made you to be. It is amazing to look back and see where God has brought me. He has led me so many places throughout my 19 years. Sometimes I don’t want things to change, but change is inevitable. Change brings forth excitement. My newest change in life will be coming soon. A big change. The day I marry my best friend and soul mate. I am truly blessed to be able to have the opportunity to love him. So, while looking back on my childhood, I may have great memories, but God shows me that my future will ever be just as, if not more, exciting as my past. Change is beautiful!

The Beauty of Things Wanted

I want to be married. Right now. I dread every single time I have to leave him, knowing it may be a few days or even a week before I can see him again. I hate missing him all the time. I want to be able to wake up with him beside me every morning for the rest of my life with that beautiful smile and deep blue eyes. I want to dance with him forever in empty parking lots and endlessly talk about nothing, which, to me, is the best kind of conversation. I want to know what it feels like to live with my best friend, to be living life together and not separately. Hand in hand. I want security. I want to be his support system and his best friend. I want him to know how much he means to me everyday. I want to raise children with him and see the joy in his eyes as he watches his sons and daughters grow to be amazing men and women of God. I want so much to be his wife and to grow old with him, forever showing him how much I truly love him. I want him. Forever and always.

The Beauty of Closed Doors

Life changes so quickly anymore. Things that had become your normal, end up becoming a thing of the past. The absence of something that once occupied so much of your life is just one day gone. I have learned this lesson mainly through people who have, for different reasons, distanced themselves from my life. Some embarked on their life’s journey of college and becoming who they want to be, while others simply just changed, or changed their minds, and decided go in a new direction. So where does that leave me now? I have thought very hard about where I am in my life right now. I take this time in my life, as lonely and new as it all is, and look at the open door next to me rather than the closed one right in my face. It may require me to take a step over, but that’s the first step in a million to get to where I want to go. You can make this life beautiful, but only if you have the courage and strength to do so. You can’t hold on to the things of the past, because they tie you to the past. All those things and people that have been in and out of your life have impacted where you are and who you are. Don’t be bitter because they aren’t there anymore, but rather be thankful that they have had such an influence that you couldn’t possibly be anyone else but the person you are at this very moment. Sometimes life can be a little lonely, a little cold, or a little overwhelming, but it won’t always be that way. More people are lined up to make their mark in the history of your life. Choose to make this life a beautiful one.

The Beauty in Committment

The hardest challenges normally come from people whose attention you’re fighting for. These people tend to shut you out and leave you wondering what you’re doing wrong. You try to stay strong and convince yourself that this phase won’t last very long, then you turn around and a month has gone by and nothing has changed. Basing your happiness from someone else’s happiness is insanity, especially when that person has nothing but bitterness to bring to you. They don’t realize what kind of weight they ask you to bear when they begin this descend. It’s hard enough to love unconditionally, but to do that when they don’t deserve your very best is what separates the true from the falling, who is committed and who is ready to run. We hold out not because we aren’t getting weak, but because we knew what it was like before the fall, the person they were and the person they aspired to be. We hold out because we have hope that their eyes will light up again and we’ll see the fire in their eyes that we came to know and love. It hurts now, but hope always wins out to our distress. We continue on with our lives keeping the faith that all of our heartache will be worth it. They may not deserve us, but they’re all we’ve ever wanted.

The Beauty of Tears

As I sit hear and listen, all I hear is the sound of the rain pouring through the trees and hitting the pavement outside my door. It’s quiet. This time has been much needed since I rarely have had time to even breathe lately. Life has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. All I want to do is sit here and cry. I’m not really sure the reason behind my tears. Maybe it’s the stillness and calmness I have for a few moments, just time to breathe and let my mind catch up. Or maybe it’s the fact that my mind actually CAN catch up, and I begin to think about upcoming events that tend to make me anxious and worried. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. Sometimes I feel like I lose too many times to ever know what winning feels like. That’s the reason why my tears are needed. I’ll cry for a few moments, and then I’ll be alright again. Tears help to release the frustration built up into our hearts, and every tear cried, for whatever reason, will help to cleanse us of the bad feelings that have been created. It is a beautiful thought that such small, immaculate drops of water can release pain from the depths of our hearts. So, as I sit here, I am happy. I am happy that with every tear that falls, comes a peace that will overshadow the darkness I have felt for so long.

The Beauty of Courage

“Man cannot discover new oceans  unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide

Courage can mean many different things according to who has been asked to define it, but where would we be without it? Courage brings forth our inner lions. It establishes our inner being and uses our weaknesses to define our strengths. We were all meant to be courageous. To step out of our normality of life and go against the flow of people so willing to give up their own dreams just to be accepted. But where does it come from? For me, courage came from the decision to not let others define who I am. Courage is choosing to walk with your head held high despite being afraid of who may look you in the eye. Courage is looking your fears in the face and telling them that they don’t own you anymore. Don’t give your fears another chance to tell you who to be. Don’t let unknown circumstances keep you from taking the chance to be something more than you thought you could be. Fear doesn’t define you. It doesn’t hold you to the ground. The way you handle it does. Have the courage to make a difference, and discover new oceans because you had the courage to lose sight of your shore.

The Beauty of Compassion

Being compassionate is a very hard attribute to have, especially in a world where it is labeled as being weak. Just this past weekend I’ve dealt with this, and I must say, I have wanted to throw in the towel one too many times. People are constantly in my ear, telling me how to live my life or trying to alter things in my life. People are constantly telling me that I need to fight my own battles. These battles, though, have already been won. My compassion for others, along with my savior, is what has been keeping me strong when I feel like I am the weakest. The more that life keeps throwing at me, the more I feel the need to help people get through what I’m experiencing. I feel sorry for those who persecute me, and I will always turn the other cheek. Pushover? Maybe, but my heart will always be in the right place, and that doesn’t sound like a weak person to me.